My boys tolerate my blogging.

When I pull out my camera, they either scream and run or start making faces that they know I won’t photograph.

*sigh*

When I pull out my video camera, their reaction intensifies.

This week I wanted to do a video for the VTech V.Reader as a part of the final week of the VTech Voices blogging extravaganza.

I needed them on board.

I needed them to help.

I decided to let them write the video and then we would film it together.  My idea was to use a Seuss-like rhyme and have them fill in the blanks.

The blanks got a little out of control.

It definitely didn’t turn out like I planned it in my head.

It definitely qualifies as the most violent video ever produced on the behalf of VTech.

I definitely love it.

I have learned when you have three children there are two paths you can take…

1. the buy three of everything path (preferred).
2. the don’t buy three of everything path (very noisy).

I am a fan of the buy three of everything.

And I mean everything.

Don’t you dare make the mistake at the grocery store and take the kids’ word for it that they won’t want Key Lime Pie yogurt in the morning when both their brothers are slurping it down with granola.

Don’t you dare make that mistake.

Because when tomorrow morning comes and you pull out two Key Lime Pie yogurts for Ryan and Reid and then you pull out the Cherry yogurt that Rhett declared his undying love for in the aisles of Super Target not more than 13 hours prior...there is going to be a scene.

And scenes at breakfast are not pretty.

So I buy Key Lime yogurt in numbers divisible by three.

So how do you deal with the request for another kind of yogurt from one boy?

I buy the additional yogurt in a three pack – and don’t be fooled by ACTUAL three packs that have the audacity of packaging a VARIETY of yogurts in the same box.

VARIETY is the enemy here.

I then present the NEW yogurt to all three boys with sweeping fanfare of this is Rhett’s choice!

I didn’t do the shopping last week.

This morning the boys reached into the fridge and found three DIFFERENT types of yogurt.

*gasp*

Ryan was first to the fridge and made his choice.

Reid was second and made his choice.

Rhett was left with the odd yogurt out.

*insert ugly scene here*

Rhett(4):  I WANT KEY LIME PIE YOGURT!

Reid(6):  You can’t.  I am the guardian of the Key Lime Pie yogurt.

I AM THE GUARDIAN OF THE KEY LIME PIE YOGURT!

No, you are the guardian of screaming.

My boys are a little obsessed with China.

It all started a month or so ago when Pingping (at the time he was the world’s smallest man) appeared on The Amazing Race.  Because of their obsession with The Guiness Book of World Records, Pingping was a huge celebrity in their minds.  Unfortunately, Pingping passed away before the airing of the show and the boys are heart broken that when they go to China they won’t be able to meet him.

When they go to China.

I identify with this.  When I was six I spent the better part of two days digging a very large hole underneath my swing set in Berrien Springs, MI in an attempt to dig a tunnel to China.  If China was on the other side of the world, I was certain to find it with my sand shovel.

Today they enlisted the help of their cousin(6) in their journey to China.

We were at the lake and the four of them decided that they would travel to China on the inflatable raft.  They decided that their cousin would pull them since they were all too young to drive the jet ski.

They waved wildly good-bye and soon were China-bound.

Awhile later they had drifted back to the dock and I asked if I could take pictures of the explorers since I was going to miss them very much once they were in China.

Won’t you be in China?

If you are in China, I would definitely come visit you.

We will miss you mom.

Have you looked at a map to make sure you are headed in the right direction?

No.  We are sure it is this way.  We might go to Egypt instead because this definitely looks like the Nile.

And just like that they changed their plans and headed to Egypt.

They took turns pulling the inflatable raft.

Tugging.

Drifting.

Swimming.

No matter how hard they pulled they seemed to be circling the dock.

The only thing that was between them and arrival in Egypt…

…was my foot on the end of a rope tethered to the inflatable raft.

I know I have lamented on numerous occasions that my kids are early risers.

Roosters.

No matter what threats, follow-throughs and grand sleeping schemes I enforce…they just get up early.

Very early.

Sleeping IN is 6 am at my house.

*shudder*

The problem isn’t that they get up early.

The problem is that they need attention early.

*shudder*

Not only do they need my attention early, but they often need my problem-solving skills as well.

I am usually half asleep during these sessions and feel like they might be getting half asleep answers, but really it is what they deserve for waking up so early.

Here is a recent conversation I had with Ryan pre-6 am:

Mommy.  I lost my tooth last night in bed.

Oh, that is good.

No!  It is terrible.  My mouth is filled up with blood.  I am going to throw up.

Not on me!

Yes.  I am going to throw up right here.

Please go spit in the sink.  NOW.

*Ryan leaves for a moment and I ponder how someone who has a mouthful of blood can carry on such a clear conversation*

Mommy.  We were playing in the playroom (need I remind you that it is PRE-6 am?) but we had to stop because of the spider.

You can play around the spider.

No!  It is a black widow.  It is stuck in the pirate ship.  It is huge!  It is definitely a black widow.

It is not a black widow.

Yes.  It is.  I saw it.

Please go upstairs and play.

But the black widow…

I will check on it in a little while.  If I have to come up there now it isn’t…

I know.  It isn’t going to be pretty.

An hour later I was feeling a little guilty about leaving my three boys upstairs with a poisonous spider.

What kinda mom am I anyway?

I climbed the stairs, entered the playroom of death and sought out the pirate ship with its dangerous cargo.

The boys gasped as I picked up the pirate ship and peered into the hull where the black widow was supposedly held captive.

Ryan cried out as I opened the bars to the spider jail and reached inside with my bare hands.

I pulled out a small transformer action figure that had black feet.

To which Ryan said, “Hey, that ISN’T a black widow.”

I am sure you are as shocked as I was.

Rhett(4) is passionate about his opinions.

The only problem that seems to be popping up lately is that he isn’t always SURE what that opinion is.

Once he decides, he defends it to the end.

For awhile he would seek opinion assistance…

Mommy, which do you think I should choose?

And then he found the solution to independent decision making – eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

When you think about it, eeny, meeny, miny, moe is GENIUS.

Should I have cherry or vanilla yogurt for breakfast?

eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Should I play Legos or my DS first?

eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Which brother should I hit with this Nerf weapon?

eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Rhett’s life changed dramatically.  He was no longer indecisive.  He lived by the power of the eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

We were at a department store finding a few last summer clothes for the boys.  Rhett was faced with whether he wanted the gray or dark blue Paul Frank monkey shirt.  He didn’t even pause.  He threw the shirts onto the floor hangars and all and sat down in front of them…

eeny, meeny, miny, moe!

Gray it is.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe was the final authority.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe was never questioned.

Until tonight.

I didn’t realize what was happening at first or I would have put an immediate stop to it.  The boys were sitting on bar stools at the kitchen counter eating their dinner.  There was chatter, laughter, the occasional scream of pain and they were all chanting eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Followed by Ryan saying, “SEE!”

Another chant of eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Followed by Ryan saying, “I told you it would be Reid.”

Yes, Ryan clued the younger boys into the fact that eeny, meeny, miny, moe can be predicted with 100% certainty.

The result is predestined from the initial eeny.

At first Rhett didn’t believe him.

And then there were tears and a big, “NO!”

And this is why we are saving money for Rhett’s inevitable need for therapy.  First Ryan took away Santa, and now he has removed eeny, meeny, miny, moe as Rhett’s final answer.

My older boys only have one more full week of school.

*gasp*

We are quickly winding down to the inevitable end of school parties, projects and events.

Reid(6) came home today with the excited announcement that his first grade class earned the last needed tally mark on the board today to receive a Popsicle party next Wednesday.

He reported that the class received tally marks for good behavior and not talking in class and they needed to get to the 10th mark before next week to make the party a reality.

It must have been touch and go for awhile because he expressed some surprise that his class made it to the necessary tally mark total.

Ryan(9) started downplaying the class’s achievement to which I responded with a Shush! and a mommy look.

You know, THAT mommy look.

The mommy look of don’t say another word or else the world as you know it ends today kinda look.

Ryan shot back with a WHAT? followed by this gem…

I can get a Popsicle at school anytime I want one.  All I have to do is get hit in the mouth and make my lip bleed.

Genius.

Time: 8ish am on a homeschool day in the Nirvana household

Scene: Reid(6) reading to mommy while sitting on an orange living room couch

Reid read aloud about an archeological dig.

*zzzzzzzzzzzzip…across the living room went Rhett(4) crashing head-first into our couch with a thump*

Reid read aloud about how hot and dusty digging in the desert can be.

*zzzzzzzzzzzzzip…across the living room, past the dining room and into the entry went Rhett crashing his body into the front door with a thud*

Reid read aloud about how the dig was financed by Lord Carnovan.

*zzzzzzzzzzzzip…across the living room went Rhett crashing head-first into our couch with a thump*

Reid read aloud about how Howard Carter kept digging even though everyone thought he was crazy.

*zzzzzzzzzzzzzip…across the living room, past the dining room and into the entry went Rhett crashing his body into the front door with a thud*

Reid read aloud about how Carter’s team finally, after years uncovered some steps in the sand.

*zzzzzzzzzzzzip…across the living room went Rhett crashing head-first into our couch with a thump*

Reid read aloud about how Carter and Carnovan discovered King Tut’s tomb.

*zzzzzzzzzzzzzip…across the living room, past the dining room and into the entry went Rhett crashing his body into the front door with a thud*

Reid looked up, shook his head and said, “How does Rhett have so much energy?“

The other morning I woke up to screaming.

Was someone bleeding?

Was there a burglar in the house?

What WAS the emergency?

I rushed out to the kitchen where the boys were still screaming to find that it was over this…

After screaming interpretation (I am well versed), I deduced that Ryan(9) had drawn this picture, Rhett(4) wanted the picture and that Ryan was willing to sell it to him for 5 cents…from what I see on the picture that might be a good price considering it started at $1.00.

Rhett was screaming because he really wanted the picture, but has been saving his money for a Lego City set.

It was barely 6:30 am and I really wanted peace, quiet and to pee…so I suggested that I would donate the 5 cents so that he could have the picture.

I left the room with everyone smiling.

Ahhhhh…sweet morning.

A few minutes later I again heard screaming.

I rushed out to the kitchen where the boys were still screaming to find that it was over this…

After screaming interpretation (I am well versed), I deduced that Ryan(9) had drawn this picture, Rhett(4) wanted the picture and that Ryan was willing to sell it to him for 50 cents.

Me:  But Ryan, the last picture was 5 cents.

Rhett(4):  Ya Ryan, and this one has LESS STUFF in it.

Ryan(9):  The price just went up…Mommy can afford it.

Last Christmas was a complete disaster when it came to the whole Santa thing.

Ryan(8):  There is no such thing as Santa Claus.

Rhett(4):  YES THERE IS…followed by screaming, crying and a very loud…MOMMY!  RYAN SAID THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS SANTA.

Reid(6):  Santa is dead.*

*Read the Santa is dead story here.

It was a huge relief to have the holidays pass.  I felt like I was in for smooth sailing until at least next November with a little blip for the Easter bunny.

*peace and quiet*

Last week we were at the park with friends — approximately 376 boys, well it may have only been 9 boys but it seemed like more. The boys were running along a creek and making weapons and creating wars with invasions across the flat creekbed and getting wet and yelling and doing what 9 little boys do when they are let loose at a park with a creek.

The moms were standing along the sidewalk negotiating peace treaties and in readiness for any necessary emergency creek rescue when I saw Ryan chasing down two other boys yelling…

How does he get alllllll the way around the world in one night?

How does his bottom *giggle* not get burned when he comes down the chimney?

How DOES he fit toys for everyone in that bag?

Great.  My kid is THAT kid…the one that ruins Christmas.

I ran after them and declared the following, “Boys.  It is April.  We are not even going to MENTION the word Santa until fall.”

It really was a stroke of genius.

I have attempted to argue and debate in the past which only gets into deeper and deeper discussion.  It is a lose-lose situation.

Santa seems to be the religion-politics for grade schoolers…it is just better not to breach the subject in social situations.

Later, at home, when we were discussing what makes for good conversation in social situations (yes, I am a regular Miss Manners), Ryan started the Santa debate again.  He is a missionary of there is no Santa.  I reminded him of the NO SANTA MENTION UNTIL FALL to which he added these last words on the subject…

Mom, you won’t say he (Santa) isn’t real because it would make Rhett cry.

Reid piped up and declared that he had a test to find out the truth.

I am going to invite Santa to my birthday party.  If he comes then we will know that he is real and if he doesn’t then we know he isn’t.

Great.

So much for the NO SANTA MENTION UNTIL FALL…Reid’s birthday is in June.

Rhett got a new shirt.

He picked it out himself.  He took it off the rack, held it to his chest and hugged it.

I looked down at the Tony the Tiger retro tee and immediately tried to come up with a plan of extraction.

Why do you like that shirt?

Because I LOVE his cereal.

He said it earnestly.

Extraction plan aborted.

He might as well wear the cereal, because it isn’t something that I let him have at home.  I mean, have you seen the sugar content?

Of course, what I allow goes a little haywire when we are on vacation and blog-Stedman does the grocery shopping.   On the first day of our last Colorado ski trip he brought back “breakfast food” which consisted of 3 VERY SUGARY cereals and some Pop-Tarts.

Ummmm…

Where is the oatmeal?

Where is my whole wheat toast?

What am I going to eat?

The boys went crazy.  Literally.  They were shocked and awed at the prospect of a VARIETY of non-touchable cereals for breakfast.

I can have this?

Can I have more?

They couldn’t believe their good fortune.  I didn’t have much choice since it was all that was available.

Sure!  Help yourself to another bowl of SUGAR.

At least in Colorado they were skiing and playing outside where they were expending a kajillion calories and I figured as long as they brushed their teeth really well they would survive the week of breakfast bliss.

Rhett’s favorite cereal was Frosted Flakes.  He looked into the bowl, observed the sparkly white flakes and declared them…

SNOW FLAKES.

So we come full circle to the Tony the Tiger tee.  He is very excited about his SNOW FLAKE shirt and has worn it on every day that it is clean since it’s purchase.  Last night as he took it off before bath he hugged it and sighed,

I just wish Tony the Tiger made pajamas…